The Century Club
by EchoesOfAnIdiot
Summary: 100 chapters, written back and forth on twitter between EchoesofTwilight and americnxidiot. Because really: someone needed to reach this milestone.
1. 1

**THE CENTURY CLUB**

Edward was there, like an Adonis with an awesome wang.


	2. 2

Bella was on her knees, waiting for her Greek god to arrive and give her life meaning.**  
**


	3. 3

He took a slow step toward her. In her excitement, Bella faceplanted. Cause she's clumsy.**  
**


	4. 4

Edward started to chuckle, but stopped at the sight of his beloved's obvious chagrin.**  
**


	5. 5

"You look so beautiful when you blush," he cooed, tracing a finger from her hairline to the corner of her jaw.


	6. 6

"Oh, Edward. How can you say I'm beautiful? Compared to your perfection I'm nothing."**  
**


	7. 7

Grabbing her hand, Edward pressed it to the stiff bulge in his pants. "Try telling that to The Octagon."**  
**


	8. 8

At the feel of his hardness, Bella went all quivery, faceplanting again - this time right into his crotch.**  
**


	9. 9

Rubbing her bruising eye, Bella sat back. Edward followed as if she was a magnet, the north to his cock's south.**  
**


	10. 10

Pressing his hand to her face, Bella reflected once again on how handy it was to have her own walking icepack.**  
**


	11. 11

"Wait, Edward, if you don't have blood, shouldn't you be room temp-"

"Shhh," he cut her off. "Don't question it."**  
**


	12. 12

Bella shut up, deciding there were MUCH better things she could be doing with her mouth.


	13. 13

Just as her lips reached the tip of his cocksicle, the door burst open, revealing the last person they wanted to see.**  
**


	14. 14

"You don't want to do that, Bella," said Alice firmly. "You gag and it sprays out your nose. First time for everything, I guess."**  
**


	15. 15

Edward scowled as his sister skipped into the room with all the grace and charm of a fashionable leprechaun.  
**  
**


	16. 16

Bella, however, smiled gratefully. Having Alice around to control her sex life took so much of the pressure off.**  
**


	17. 17

"Is there a reason you're here?" Edward asked, looking longingly at Bella. "Cause you're blocking my cock big time."**  
**


	18. 18

Alice grinned pixieishly. "Funny how a tiny little sprite like me can block your massive cock, isn't it?"**  
**


	19. 19

"But since you asked," she continued. "I'm here to make Bella get a Brazilian wax while asking her invasive personal questions."**  
**


	20. 20

"Oh." Edward shrugged. He couldn't argue with that, fan as he was of nomming that elusive delicacy, the hairless clam.


	21. 21

Before she could say "holy crow", Bella was tossed onto Alice's back, and the two ran to the salon at vampire speed.**  
**


	22. 22

"So, Bella," Alice said, "I overheard you and Edward last night. Wouldn't have pictured you as a reverse-cowgirl fan."**  
**


	23. 23

Bella blushed from her ears to her toes. "He just has such pretty kneecaps," she whispered. "I like looking at them."**  
**


	24. 24

"Oh, girl, there's no shame in that," said Alice. "Just between us, staring at Jazz's baby toes makes my girlparts sing."**  
**


	25. 25

Bella thought of the night before when the Octagon had burst like a bottle of glitter glue. "Vampire sex rules."**  
**


	26. 26

"Here's a secret, Bella," Alice said. "Let him jizz in your hair. That shit works better than ANY gel, and it makes hair sparkle!"**  
**


	27. 27

"Really?" Bella asked. Alice nodded. "How do you think I get my hair so spiky? Jazz's own brand of Southern Comfort."


	28. 28

Bella's eyes went wide in realization. "Is THAT the secret behind Edward's bouffant? He always refuses to tell me."**  
**


	29. 29

"Didn't you wonder why it's gotten less poofy? He's not refilling the gel bottle as much, if you know what I mean."**  
**


	30. 30

Bella blushed beautifully, nodding as the beautician ripped off another slice of her hair pie.**  
**


	31. 31

Cheeks still as red as her freshly waxed hooha, Bella sighed. "Sometimes I worry I'm not enough sexy enough for him."**  
**


	32. 32

"None of that, Bella. It doesn't matter that you're boring and not that pretty. You're the one he wants. He loves you."**  
**


	33. 33

Alice giggled. "Besides, Edward used to have a poster of Eleanor Roosevelt in his room. You're prettier than that she-beast."**  
**


	34. 34

"After 100 years of celibacy, Bella, I'm pretty sure he'd fuck a hole in a pumpkin if it smelled as good as you do to him."**  
**


	35. 35

Bella nodded. "Still... could you maybe help me be sexier?" She regretted the question the moment she saw Alice's gremlin-like grin.


	36. 36

"Oh, Bella!" she squealed at a frequency only bats could hear. "I thought you'd NEVER ask! Now, the first thing is..."**  
**


	37. 37

Bella could do nothing but stare in terror as Alice jabbered, catching only a few words like "make-up" and "alpaca".**  
**


	38. 38

Cool air washed over her bare cooter as she reached for her phone and hammered out a text to Edward. "Save me."**  
**


	39. 39

Their first stop was a sex shop, hidden between Sears & a TGIFridays. "Does Edward have any fetishes?" Alice asked.**  
**


	40. 40

Bella's face heated. "Well, he...um..." She glanced around, making sure they were alone. "He likes bananas. But not to eat."**  
**


	41. 41

"I have just the thing," Alice shrieked. Running to the rack, she grinned deviously. "It's peanut butter jelly time."**  
**


	42. 42

At Alice's insistence, Bella went to try it on. Slipping into the costume, she was surprised at how...right it felt.


	43. 43

Alice vibrated like a rabbit in her excitement. "Edward is going to just LOVE that." Bella blushed. She did feel sexy.**  
**


	44. 44

She didn't even complain when Alice insisted on paying, too excited about getting back to Forks and Edward.**  
**


	45. 45

After one last stop at the grocery, Bella was already to be the world's sexiest banana split. Edward already had the nuts.**  
**


	46. 46

Bella arranged herself on the huge bed. Soon, Edward returned, his gasp audible. "God, Bella. I want to...peel you."**  
**


	47. 47

"I'm bananas for you, Edward." Bella flushed, but when Edward's own banana sprung through his pants, she couldn't help but smile.**  
**


	48. 48

Edward stalked toward her, and for once Bella felt powerful, like a mountain lion instead of a stupid lamb.**  
**


	49. 49

With an loud groan and Bella wiggling her arms helplessly, as the suit didn't allow much movement, Edward peeled the first strip.**  
**


	50. 50

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed, stopping him. "Better pull the shades so no one sees us. That would be fucked up."


	51. 51

For a moment the room was dark. Then Edward clapped twice, and the lights came on, bathing Bananella in a yellow glow.**  
**


	52. 52

She crooked a finger at him, aiming for seductive but managing just to look like she was having a muscle spasm. "C'mere."**  
**


	53. 53

Strip by strip, Edward peeled his Banana, only stopping to pour syrup on her. "My little chocolate starfish," he sighed.**  
**


	54. 54

Bella licked off a smear of chocolate that had landed on his cheek. "And you're my giant Klondike bar," she purred.**  
**


	55. 55

Edward ripped the rest of the suit from her body, until she wore only food. The smooth voice of Ke$ha came over the speakers.**  
**


	56. 56

The ice cream had chilled Bella's skin, goosebumps raised like a million tiny nipples all over her body.**  
**


	57. 57

Even though the food tasted horrible to Edward, he lapped at her skin like a dog just recovered from rabies drinks water.


	58. 58

Hmmm, he thought absently, this must be what going down on a werewolf tastes like. Shaking off the thought, he...**  
**


	59. 59

…continued to lap up the chocolate. Bella squeaked out, "Edwardtakeyourpantsoffnow," shivering when he licked her elbow.**  
**


	60. 60

With vampire speed, he ripped off his pants. Emmett's laugh reached their ears, "Bella and Edward are doing it!" he called.**  
**


	61. 61

Edward started to yell until he felt Bella's hands on his knees, tracing hot circles. "Like glorious cookies," she murmured.**  
**


	62. 62

"I can't believe you did this for me," Edward whispered at Bella while she caressed his knees. "What can I do for you?"**  
**


	63. 63

Bella bit her lip, adding to the sexy teethmarks already there. "There is one thing I've always wanted," she whispered.**  
**


	64. 64

Edward was so distracted by her lovely chapped lips that he almost missed her words. "I have a thing for lumberjacks."**  
**


	65. 65

There was a knock at the door, then Alice's tinkling laugh & fading footsteps. Edward went to grab the package she'd left.


	66. 66

"Damn psychic sisters." Faster than lightning, Edward ran to the door & returned to the bed wearing a plaid, kilt thong.**  
**


	67. 67

Bella was glad she was already lying down, because she was sure she'd have fainted at the sight of Edward and his...log.**  
**


	68. 68

"They say you're the best at handling wood," Edward said with a wink. The Octagon waved hello from beneath his kilt.**  
**


	69. 69

"Hmmm, I do love a good pole between my hands. Or my legs," she purred, looking up at him from between her lashes.**  
**


	70. 70

"Timber," Edward said huskily as he lowered her to the bed. She gripped his tree trunk, feeling the syrup at the tip.**  
**


	71. 71

Bella looked eagerly at the manhood in her fist. It was like stroking a sexy flashlight made of marble. Only paler.**  
**


	72. 72

Edward ran his icy hands all over her body, momentarily getting stuck to the sweaty backs of her perfect knees.


	73. 73

He lifted his hand to his mouth. Sweat wasn't quite as tasty as her blood, but it was close. Too bad he was a popsicle.**  
**


	74. 74

After taking a moment to consider the irony of the popsicle licking the human, he adjusted his plaid thong & grinned.**  
**


	75. 75

Why, Edward." Bella blinked like a stripper in cheap mascara. "Is that a log in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?"**  
**


	76. 76

"I'm warm for your form, baby," he cooed. Then he frowned. "Wait. That doesn't work. Cold for your... folds?"**  
**


	77. 77

"Don't worry, baby," she breathed. "That kind of talk makes me hot enough for both of us. You could fry eggs on these tits."**  
**


	78. 78

Bella cheeks were as red as a whore's knees on a carpet and Edward couldn't wait to have her. "Let's make an omelette."**  
**


	79. 79

"Get cracking," she moaned. "Stick your spatula in my oiled-up love pan."**  
**


	80. 80

Edward flipped up the kilt, knowing Bella loved when he kept it on. The Octagon was drooling in spunky anticipation.


	81. 81

Edward touched one finger to Bella's swampy goodness. Her clit popped up to greet him like a dog greeting its master.**  
**


	82. 82

Because he had super-duper vamp hearing in addition to smelling great, he could almost hear it say, "Woof."**  
**


	83. 83

"Are you going to keep staring at me, or are you going to pet the poodle?" Bella cooed, rubbing her leg against him.**  
**


	84. 84

With g-kilt askew and his human lover sprawled out beneath him, Edward dove in face first to quench his beaver fever.**  
**


	85. 85

She tasted like human. And fish. Edward rarely hunted fish, but he knew the principle. Grab hold, don't let go.**  
**


	86. 86

Edward suckled on his sweet tilapia until his dick demanded attention. It was time to take the skin boat to tuna town.**  
**


	87. 87

"Oh, Bella," he whispered. "My fishing pole is so ready for the motion of your dripping love ocean."


	88. 88

Reaching down and gripping her beloved Octagon, Bella reeled it into her love hole. "Hooker, line, and plow me, Edward.**  
**


	89. 89

She was as tight as the jeans Rose had worn in the 80's, and she clung to his love muscle like she'd never let go.**  
**


	90. 90

"I ov-lay ou-yay," he groaned, bouncing on top of her like a pogo stick. Pig latin was, after all, the language of love.**  
**


	91. 91

Bella gripped his bony shoulders, scraps of banana suit and flannel man-thong making a cushion below her bonier ass.**  
**


	92. 92

"Plow me like a field, Edward," she begged. He loved the erotic whine of her voice, unaware he was on her hair.**  
**


	93. 93

And like a good neighbor, Edward was there to tend her moist crops with his weeping porksword, closer by the second.**  
**


	94. 94

Edward reached down to find her glistening love button, trying to ignore the orgasm rushing at him like Tanya on speed.**  
**


	95. 95

As Bella skipped through the field of orgasmic bliss, Edward rode her like a spastic donkey. "Cum like the wind, Edward."


	96. 96

Mindful of his super vampire strength, Edward grit his teeth and set his orgasm to "stun" so that he wouldn't hurt his love.**  
**


	97. 97

"Wait, wait!" Bella yelled. Edward's balls weeped until she hopped off and eyed his cock. "I need you to Ben Stiller me."**  
**


	98. 98

Now, Edward was a cultural snob. "What do you mean, Bella?" he asked, sure this was nothing his parents would've approved of.**  
**


	99. 99

"Just think of it," she said, jerking on his pole like a Shake Weight and making him shiver, "as ye olde hair gel."**  
**


	100. 100

And so Edward spunked her good and proper, her fashionably messy hair truly marking her as a Cullen.

All was well.

**THE END.**


End file.
